I think my brain just exploded a little bit.

After about 30 minutes after I laid Turner down for her nap I hear, "Mommy I TeeTee!  Mommy I TeeTee!"  We've been working on potty training for the last couple of weeks now but she has not been the best about telling me when she needs to go. She is really just going when I remind her to sit on the potty.  Frankly, I'm the one that is doing all the work, so it was possibly good news that she is telling me she needs to go.  I run into her room and the diaper is still dry so we jump out of bed and run to the potty only to sit there for 10 minutes before the smallest trickle comes out.  We still jump up and down and get a sticker and all that other positive reinforcement stuff even though this is an obvious ploy to get out of nap time.  As we are finishing up in the bathroom, but before I put Turner back in a diaper Mike calls me.  Knowing he probably needs something, I answer and let Turner run off still super excited she TeeTee'd in the potty.
 
Mike is needing me to email him a work form and is walking me through the process while T is running crazily through the house shrilly screaming at the top of her lungs dumping her toys. It is a state of delirium she reaches when she is tired and can be quite comical, but not so much today.  I'm doing my best to stay focused on helping Mike and tune the chaos out.  Bad Idea.  As I'm about to wrap up with Mike, Turner suddenly stops her manic frenzy on my kitchen rug and says "Poopoo mommy"  with a very serious look on her face; and I say, "RUN!!!, Run to the potty," but it is too late! Ooooh maaaan!(Think Dora The Explorer's Swiper) I have conditioned myself to say this when we have an accident instead of the flow of expletives I would like to say.  Some book said that was not a good idea ;)

Anyways, while still on the phone, I start to take T to the bathroom to get her cleaned up with the intent of cleaning up her other mess in a minute when I see Sunshine sniffing the deposit.  I yell at Sunshine, "NO!  GET BACK!"  Yet again, too late.  Turner's poop disappeared.  UGH!!!  Nastiness! The color drained from my face and had to fight to hold back the vomit.  I didn't need to add to the mess.

 My sweet husband hearing all of this on the other end of the phone said "Well at least you have less to clean up"
 
Oh dear....what a day!  I threw Sunshine with a big rawhide bone in the back yard, cleaned up Turner and put a diaper on her and put her back in bed to much protest while I calm down and brace myself for the next curve ball.   I guess I will go get Turner out of her bed since she never did fall asleep.  Pray for us.

The Bite

Today was the day Turner and I were going to get back in the swing of our routine of going to the gym in the morning followed by lots of other productive activities in the afternoon.  We had been quarantined for the last two weeks with hand foot and mouth disease and it was finally time to rejoin life before I went crazy!  Well, it may have been too late. 

The morning started with the normal herding of my daughter through breakfast and getting dressed and trying to keep her out of too much trouble while I try to get dressed.  Today was also in the realm of normal when I took away some item that was hazardous and she bit me in protest!  She bit me hard!  As I reached to take what ever it was (I don't remember) out of her mouth she grabbed my hand an clamped down like a pit bull.  I think she even shook her head a little with rage like an animal does when they are going in for the kill.  OUCH plus a few expletives!!!! 

She has left me with bite marks on numerous occasions and my typical response is to take her straight to time out.  Well, obviously she was not getting the hint about not biting!  I've been talking to my other mommy friends about my daughter's biting and they all tell me stories of how they or someone they knew bit their kid back and then the kid never bit again.  Today was the day I snapped and I became one of those women who bit their child.  I bit her pretty hard, too.  I wanted her to cry and to know how much it hurts in hopes that my child is empathetic and if she understood what she was doing then she would stop.  This was my logic in the split second before I decided to clamp down on my daughters arm like a crazy person. 

Oh, the look she gave me  before she let out a little whimper was just awful!  She was so confused. Why was Mommy was hurting her?  My heart completely broke.   She looked at her arm for a second and I told her, "See, this is why we don't bite.  It hurts."  She whined for a second and then got up to go play like nothing happened.  The worst part is I left bite marks and she didn't seem to even feel it.   

I am mortified and it may not have taught her any kind of lesson. I feel like all I did was add to the collective memories that Turner will use against me when she is a teenager.  Ugh...What an awful experience and it seemed to punish me still more than it punished her.  It is like when my parents used to say, "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it will hurt you," before they would spank me, but I am not a spanker!!! 

Needless to say, we didn't go to the gym today.  I was afraid that they would report me for child abuse.  Hopefully there will be a day when it doesn't feel like the stars have to align in order for us to leave the house and until then I will never bite my child again. 

The Night I was Arrested

Gasp!!! If you know me very well, I know you are gasping as you read the title of my blog. Well it is true, and with a Felony at that! It makes for an incredible story that must be documented....

Where should I start? Lets see, back in 2003 my future husband and I were remodeling our first house in The Colony. After work I went to the house, changed and went for a run and then proceeded to sand all the door jams in our new/old home with an electric sander. At about midnight, exhausted, covered in sweat and saw dust I drove home to my apartment in Denton. I was so tired and could not wait to get into the shower when I saw red and blue lights in my rear view mirror. Apparently, I had been a little too anxious to get home. The officer routinely took my license and insurance and went back to his car. I must have dozed off for a little while, but it sure seemed to take him a long time with my info. Whatever, I just want to take a shower and go to bed. I will deal with the ticket tomorrow.

When the officer came back to my window he said, "Miss Hill there is a warrant out for your arrest and I need you to step out of the car".

"What," I screeched!!!!

"Why!" I was very awake now! I looked in my rear view mirror an there were now like three cop cars behind me. What is going on. This is so surreal.

The officer said there was a warrant out for my arrest for theft by check in Hockley county. What?! I had taken care of all that stuff a long time ago...

Ok, so I guess I need to go back a little farther... In may of 2001 I met a high school friend and we talked a long time in the parking lot and after exchanging email addresses, etc., I ended up leaving my wallet/day timer/container of all my valid information (i.e. checkbook, social security card, DL, etc.) on the roof of my car when I drove off. Did I say I was 18 at the time and this "friend" was a long time crush... I didn't exactly have all my wits about me.... anyway someone picked up my wallet/day timer/container of all valuable information out of the middle of 34th Street in Lubbock TX and waited an entire year before starting to write checks with my long since canceled checkbook. I told the bank and the Lubbock Police department what had happened, but I still started getting letters from all kinds of places that I had written and insufficient check and with every single merchant, I would have to go get some affidavit notarized saying that I did not write those checks. It was down right annoying. Especially when I would see that the checks were for like $32 at sonic... Who spends $30 at sonic and who writes a check?! Ugh.... I became really good friends with the notary at my bank. I swear I was in there every week.

Eventually the letters stopped coming, or so I thought. but it turns out they could no longer find me, because I was in the season of a college student's life where I moved every six months and in my very independent mind, I did not feel it was necessary to keep my parents address as my permanent address because I would not be moving back there till hell froze over... I was so young and so arrogant.... Anyways it turns out the perp did not only write checks in Lubbock County, but they traveled to the next county and wrote checks in Hockley county, but those letters never found me and Hockley county put a warrant out for my arrest for Theft by Check.

So, back to the officer outside my car door telling me he has to arrest me... I was in disbelief! I got out of the car and there were a whole slew of other cop cars that had pulled up for back up. They were about to arrest the biggest baddest hot check writer of the decade! I was completely numb as the female officer frisked me and handcuffed me! I could not believe this was happening to me - the most by the book person any one knows. I don't even lie well. I have a conscience bigger than George Washington's and here I am getting arrested. My parents will be mortified. Once in the back of the officers car behind his plate glass partition, I chuckle through my tears that this will make a funny story someday... Then my phone rang in my purse in the front seat of the car. It was Mike calling to see if I had made it home OK as I usually called him to let him know I made it home. The officer kindly answered the phone and told Mike what was going on, where I was going, and how much my bond was so Mike could start working on getting me out. It certainly pays to use your "yes sirs and ma'am" that officer did not have to talk to Mike and could have just let me go through the system like any other criminal and wait for my one phone call.

As kind as the officer was, he still had to do his job so I still got thrown into the drunk tank full of other neredowells. Most were sitting out tickets, or drunk, but there was one girl in there accused of murder. Oh dear! I pulled my big girl orange pants up and prepared for the worst. There were several girls in this 12x12 concrete room with a drain in the center and a not so private toilet who had been in this room for days awaiting transfer to general population. They were hoarding toilet paper as cushions because there were no beds and everyone was sleeping on the concrete floor! Oh dear! My white bred Pollyanna follow the rules ass was not prepared for this. How long was I going to have to be in here???

Not for long, thank goodness.. Mike was able to act quickly and bail me out. According to Michael I was only in the jail cell for 30 minutes, but it felt like 10 hours. I cried as they were releasing me. The bailiff said your not supposed to cry as you are being released from jail. I said only if you were never supposed to be in here in the first place.

Mike took me home and I took the longest shower ever.

With a few phone calls and another trip to the notary, all the charges were dropped and I have been lucky to have had no other issues with identy theft. Knock on wood....

I'm still waiting for this to become a funny story. I guess it is funny to watch folks gasp and their eyes go wide with shock to hear that I had been arrested. It is also funny to hear Mike say he will never bail me out of jail again.

I did learn a few valuable lessons about carrying so much information with me. I never carry a check book and I check my credit report often. I do not wish this story on anyone.

Making Out as a Parent

My husband and I were in the middle of an awesome make up make out session. Here is my thought process (don't worry its only PG 13):

"Wow this is fun. I like making out with Mike. We don't do this enough. I don't think I've done this since before I was married. I'm really turned on. How awesomely intimate is this! Oh, I need to be sure to talk to Turner about the danger of casually making out with boys. No wonder it can easily lead to other things. This is hot. Making out is almost more intimate than the actual sex..."

From there my thoughts went on a wild tangent of the sex education of my 10 month old! For several minutes I was lost in my thoughts of how sex can be spoiled by heartbreak and disease if immaturely handled and how important it will be for me to help Turner understand the logic behind the morality. On and on my brain turned about conversations I'm going to have 12 years from now all while in this very steamy moment with my husband!
Finally, my body yelled to my brain, "Hey! What in the world are you doing! Why are you thinking about this! Seriously?!?!!! Now?! You are missing out on an amazingly romantic experience! Shut up and focus on what you are doing!"

Ugh! I am such a parent! 

A Crappy Day through the Eyes of an Optimist

This morning I woke up to a husband still mad at me from the night before (the wrath was too great and I was to tired to care about the sun going down on it), a dog who hasn't really eaten in a week, a child who hasn't slept more than three hours at a time in a month, and the news that an acquaintance of mine had passed away leaving a beautiful little girl behind. It was going to be another bad day just like the previous 6 before it.

I had become pretty numb by this point which made telling Hayden's mom that I could no longer keep her son, my daughter's playmate, less painful. I planned on flaking out on my play date with my girlfriend, park myself on the couch and wait for bedtime. Then my girlfriend called. She asked if I was still coming over and hearing her voice helped me know she is struggling just like I am. She also made me lunch, curry stew. I could not bail on her. I threw the kids in the car and drove the hour to see her.

As I got in the car I realized what a beautiful sunny day! Today wasn't going to be so bad.

Halfway to her house Turner threw up all over herself and her car seat. Not spit up, Throw UP! Everything she had eaten for breakfast heaved down her little body in multiple spurts as I'm speeding down the tollway about to exit on to 635. What do I do?! She didn't cry or even seem to be bothered by the nastiness surrounding her. I'm gagging as I write this it was so nasty. I exited, pulled into a parking lot and called my friend with the mindset that I'm going to turn around, go home and wallow in my crappiness. She said keep on coming. She made curry stew and I do love curry. I stripped Turner down to her diaper in the parking lot and cleaned up the best I could and covered her car seat with my yoga towel and got back on the road. Neither baby had yet to make a peep.

My friend and I had the most wonderful visit. Our kids played and we were able to really talk like we did before we had kids. We have the same struggles and frustrations and yet it was not a pity party. We took our kids for a walk in the amazing sunshine. Today still wasn't going to be so bad.

Leaving her house was hard and I hate that she lives so far away, but such is life. I left a little after 4 and prayed for good traffic and the kids to sleep on the way home. It was smooth sailing until about 635 and 75 and Turner threw up again. I can't pull over this time. I have nothing left to clean her up and Hayden's parents would be at my house soon. Mortified, I cracked the windows and hoped it didn't get any worse. At least they were both asleep. It was a long ride home threw sluggish traffic and long red lights. About 5 miles from home, my gas light came on. Seriously!? I decided the delay of getting gas outweighed the risk of running out of gas in the middle of rush hour with a baby covered in vomit. Oh I gagged again... When will this day end!

As I was pulling out of the gas station Turner and Hayden began to stir and I thought fuss. I braced my self for a very long final stretch but to my surprise they were laughing! They were laughing and blowing bubbles at each other. I could see my daughter through the rear view mirror with the most precious smile on her face giggling with her friend the whole way home. It really wasn't a bad day. I would even say it was a good day.

My Breastfeeding Life

1st Month: This was the hardest month by far. Turner demanded to nurse almost every hour. Keeping up with this exhausting demand became only more difficult when I had painful clogged milk ducts and cracked nipples. Turner was so small that it seemed like an act of congress to get a good latch. While she was nursing I was constantly on guard to keep her "hooked on" properly. As soon as she was done nursing, I would lay her in her swing to have enough time to go to the bathroom and refill my water glass before she demanded to be picked up again. I had such a hard time feeding myself or anything else that required two hands and forget about sleep. Turner seemed to sleep and nurse at the same time and because she had such a hard time keeping a proper latch I could not just lay down and let her nurse while I slept.
Thank goodness for the Hooter Hider or I would have not been able to leave my house or have anyone come over. If I had been stuck in my room the whole time, I'm sure I would have given up. We got through it though. She gained a pound a week that first month and as soon as she hit the 12lb mark life was awesome again.

2nd and 3rd month: Turner's weight gain slowed to a steady 1/2 lb per week and she began sleeping in longer stretches. By the time she was 8 weeks old she started sleeping 10 hours through the night and was really mellow during the day. I could run errands, go for runs and walks, and do chores with out so much of a peep from her. The only time she would cry was when she was hungry and that was about every 4 hours. I felt like I was getting my life back again!

4th month: Turner was no longer sleeping through the night. At her check up I complained to the Dr. that her sleep cycles seem to be digressing into shorter periods again. She suggested that Turner might be going through a growth spurt and she may be hungry. The Dr. said she needs to nurse more to increase my milk supply again. I couldn't believe the Dr. wanted me to feed my daughter MORE! She was already in the 99% in height and weight.
I also feel like we've had a slightly harder time the last couple of weeks because my dad was in the hospital and Turner stayed with her grandmothers. During that time Turner was getting bottles of breast milk and I was pumping, but I was not keeping up with her demand. Turner drank everything I pumped plus all the reserve I had in the freezer! When it was just Turner and I again, my boobs had to play some serious catch up which was tough on both of us for a few days. I felt like I was back at month 1 nursing day and night. I was worried I was beginning to dry up. Instead, Turner was just sucking it all out of me. It is also a challenge because I was getting a lot of pressure from family to start her on rice cereal and other solids in order to fill her up and get a full night's sleep again, but I trust my pediatrician and she recommends only breast milk for 6 months. Finally after a hard week of constant nursing, my supply again met the demand and Turner and I got back on a good rhythm. Tomorrow Turner turns 5 months old, so hopefully we will coast to the 6 month mark of only breast milk.

Breastfeeding definitely takes determination to the point of stubbornness and lots of patients. It is definitely not the easiest thing to do and I understand why some women quit. I just have to keep focused on the positives of sole breastfeeding. This is my mantra when I'm frustrated:

• It really is a wonderful bonding experience for us. Turner doesn't really snuggle any other time except for when she is nursing.
• She is receiving tons of health benefits from it... Boosted IQ and Immunity and lower risks for Diabetes and Obesity
• It is cheaper than formula and I also don't have to constantly wash bottles
• It has melted off all my baby weight. I lost another 3lbs in the last month alone with this increased nursing.

I repeat this list to my self over and over when I'm discouraged. Hopefully it will allow me to successfully nurse for a whole year.

Mommy Clothes

Getting dressed lately has become a struggle. My closet is full of beautiful linen slacks, smart fitted jackets, flirty dresses and skirts, all with coordinating three inch heels and accessories. I loved getting dressed to go to work. I worked as a design consultant, so everyday was a day to dress to impress. The best way to quickly show that you had any clue you knew how to decorate a home was with the way you decorated your self. Getting dressed every morning was fun, and I left the house feeling cute and confident. I've been anxious to get back in those clothes and aura of confidence that came with them, but I'm slowly realizing that may not happen. While those clothes fit again, they are not exactly appropriate for the trenches of the stay at home mom. For now, I've traded in my dry clean only suits and delicate silk blouses for cotton T-shirts and shorts from which spit up, drool and other baby bodily fluids wash right out. I've traded my bangles and heels for a running watch and flip flops when I'm not bare foot. Instead of letting my signature hair cascade down my back, it is now in a bun away from reaching hands. Even my bras have changed from pretty little satin surprises for my husband to cotton nursing bras that have way too much function and not enough form. I have yet to give up mascara, and because it is my last little luxury, I've gone back to Lancome. I love that mascara! It is funny how such a small little thing can make you feel somewhat put together, so I put it on even if I'm not leaving the house.
Just like it took me time to master the art of business casual, I'm sure I will eventually figure out my mommy style that exudes sassy confidence with out compromising function.